I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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