Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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