my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How's work?
Spinning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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