uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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