Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
