just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
