yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
