i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
