dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We got so high we made milksteak
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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