Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
