Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
