U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
