I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
