What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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