she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
