ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
