Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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