..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
