and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
