I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
