He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
