I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
