Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
