We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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