His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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