Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
