Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Less talking, more tequila
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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