she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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