Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
