I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
