my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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