The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
