I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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