Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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