Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
