her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
