I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
