I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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