If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
