he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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