Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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