You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You ruined the universe
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
