I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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