She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
