fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Randomize
