Don't make out with my wife yet
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
