I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
