I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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