can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
