Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
